…of Commitments

We make decisions every day- big or small, important or unimportant. For instance, a decision to finish a chore or a decision to live a healthier life. A handful of decisions, however, are such that alter the course of our lives. A career choice, for instance is a decision that will significantly impact our future lifestyle. In the same list are decisions of who we marry, buying a house, getting a divorce, getting a pet and that of bringing a child in the world. These, in my view, are decisions of commitment.  

I’m writing this post to analyse some of my commitments, to tell you (and myself) about how easy, hard, certain or uncertain they have been. More importantly, I want to write about the manner in which I have made commitments.   

The easiest so far (also the best so far) has been the decision to commit to my husband. It came so naturally, like there was no other way. Not a day goes by that I’m not grateful to existence for having placed him in my path. How he was placed there is another story by itself! I’ll tell you about it some other time.   

The next important life-decision was my commitment to the legal profession. It was a choice made through a process of elimination. It seemed to fit well, and I committed to it. But truth be told, there was always an internal struggle that I did not belong, coupled with a lack of motivation. I stuck to that commitment for 12 long years before giving up. I gained a lot, grew a lot, but I was never a 100% sure that I was in the right place. I had to leave, and I did. While I’m still trying to figure out where to go next, I will always look back at those 12 years as a period of good quality learning and personal growth.

Speaking about the process of elimination, I have realized that this method of making a choice is fairly common, especially in our country and our generation. I personally know several people who have resorted to this method for choosing careers, partners, cities, etc. I’m no different. But over the course of time, I have understood that while elimination is an efficient tool in the process of decision making, it can only take you so far. One will end up making great and happy choices only with a leap of faith which is based on personal conviction- a gumption of sorts, which may not always be supported by reason. I am hoping to find that gumption by trying to put myself in new and unknown situations.  

Now I come to the point. Barring the two decisions I’ve spoken of, I am unable to think of a single solid commitment that I have made to myself or to anything/anyone else in my entire 30 something years of existence. I find myself unable to commit to a house, a city, an idea or even a habit for that matter. I always like to keep my options open. I think I’m coming to realize that I might just be a commitment-phobe. I am trying to change that now, because while the sense of freedom and mobility has been priceless, I think I have had enough taste of it. I feel ready to move on. I want to grow roots now. In fact, what Masoom and I have understood so far is that the road to entrepreneurship begins with commitments-commitment to an idea, to a city, to the community and personal networks, and to the people who work for you. You take on responsibilities which you have to stand by and fulfill. You have to pour in financial and human capital, and perhaps a lot of emotion. It is like a new-born baby that has to be nurtured and cared for everyday. It’s yours to build and protect.

Speaking of babies, an announcement is also in order. Masoom and I have made a new commitment already! We are expecting in December and are very, very excited! I must however, add an explanation here, especially for all my friends and family who I have not called personally and told about this beautiful thing that is happening to us.

We lost two pregnancies in the last couple of years. In fact, when I first found out in 2018 that I was expecting, I was not ready. Surprisingly, Masoom was! Anyhow, I cried my eyes out, wondering what would happen to all my future plans (which were non-existent at that time btw, but I was confident there would be plans). These plans did not include a child! And while I imagined that in some distant future we would have a child, we were nowhere close to the family planning stage. Some maternal instinct, however, kicked in and I accepted the pregnancy whole-heartedly. Unfortunately, I miscarried. I was guilt-laden and regretful. Then I conceived and miscarried again last year. I was truly distraught and not ready to go through the whole experience again. But God has different plans, and what timing God has! Covid struck, lockdown was declared, and yet again, I was pregnant (and not by my own design!). The next five months were a flurry of tests, prenatal visits and anxiety attacks, as I slowly watched my baby grow. Today, I am just grateful that the pregnancy seems to be proceeding okay, and pray everyday for a healthy baby. Here is a snap shot of myself- I am at the fag end of the 6^th month and gearing myself for the last mile!     

So while I’m busy feeling those kicks growing stronger day by day, all other commitments have taken a back seat, just for the next 6 months or so 😉 So here’s to the next 12 years of new hopes, adventures and opportunities for myself and for everyone else! Cheers!