You all know that sometime in January 2020, I had quit my career of law to do something on my own, something that did not involve practicing law. You also know that in March of 2020, I was pregnant, and now I am a mother to a beautiful almost-one year old boy. What you don’t know is the struggle-mental, emotional and also physical, that this has put me through. Or maybe you do know what I’m talking about , if you have at any point, either been, or been around a new mother who has either chosen to, or has been constrained to work, either in a job, or as a business owner. Too many permutations in the previous sentence making it too complex a a sentence. Not to my liking. Moving on.
In this post, I will tell you about the struggles I am facing, and how I am dealing with them. In June, I decided that cheese specifically, and dairy in general piques my interest and I whole heartedly committed myself to learning how to make cheese. It makes me so happy. I have plans of manufacturing cheese at an industrial level, and god willing, someday I will be the person who introduces the middle and upper middle class of India to good cheese at affordable price.
Making cheese takes time and immense focus. One has to keep a hawk-eyed watch over the progress that cheese curds make-constant monitoring of time, temperature and texture (inter alia). Enter a 5 month old who needs to be nursed every few hours. It is such a challenge! Baby wants boobie, but there’s a 10 litre batch of milk which will ruin if I don’t attend to it immediately! Baby yelling, cheese cooking, what do I do?!
This is how the last few months of my life have been, and even though nursing requirements have gone down gradually, the baby becomes more and more demanding and attention seeking by the day! Some credits at this point- first and foremost, to Gautam, who despite all my whining in this post, has been a surprisingly supportive baby and has let me come this far in my journey, which, might I add, will be the most important leg of the journey. Gautam is a good boy. My husband, who has been such a hero of a dad when it comes to baby sitting and walking Gautam to sleep. My folks, whose help I cling on to for a much needed break whenever they are around. Also my mother in law, who, despite physical constraints has found several ways of keeping Gautam entertained while I get my job done.
Evidently, I have a very supportive family. Well, I do have their support, but that support has not come without question marks.
– Why now? Let Gautam turn 1 year old at least.
– Okay, he’s almost 1.
– Well then let him turn 2. Look at how attached he is to you. How can you leave him and go away? A mother’s first duty is towards her child. Everything else can wait.
– No it can’t. He’s 1. He needs to start becoming independent and he needs to know from the beginning that even though I’m his mother, I have to get some things done. I will continue to be around always and Gautam is my first priority, but I cannot be a full time mom. I will make a terrible and depressed full time mom. How does that make any sense?
So I have all these justifications, but there’s this thing I discovered when I became a mother. It’s called mom guilt. All answers to questions from family fall flat when the big question mark inside of me pops up. Why can’t I give all of my time to my baby? And at the very least, the time that he’s asking me for? When he shouts for me, why can’t I just prioritize him? I feel that I have started to neglect my baby and have grand plans of neglecting him further. There are some women who have to work. They have justifiable constraints and I respect them for it. I don’t have any constraints. I am making a choice. I feel guilty for making that choice. Everyday.
I’m sure every mother goes through a process of bargain when she either returns to work, or choses to be a full time mom. Neither can be easy. So this is my process of bargain. I will take it easy till Gautam turns 1 or maybe 1.5. I will make cheese from my home kitchen on a very small and manageable scale. By the time I get to a stage where I can touch volumes, I’m hoping Gautam becomes more independent and even begins to understand why I’m trying to do what I’m trying to do. The questions keep coming, but I’m hoping so will the answers.
To all the moms out there, cheers!
Gazing through my Window... 