Alright Gautam, blame me for being tardy. However, here I am, trying to keep up with your pace. Trying to pen down and summarize the million tiny little feelings I feel each passing year, so that one day, some day, if ever you need to come back here, you can. I’m saying this because even though you’re still my tiny little boy, all of a sudden you seem so big. Also, despite being a big boy now, you still feel like my little boy. You’re my little boy every time you run to me, or plant kisses, or just look at me like I am the most beautiful person to walk this planet!
Toddlers fight for being more independent. So do you. I too want you to be independent, strong and confident. This means I have to let go. I try to, slowly. But I am painfully conscious of where this journey is heading. Some day you will not need me to hold you when it hurts, you will not need my presence to drift to sleep. Some day will be the last that you come running to me, with your big-hearted smile, waiting to be lifted in the air. It is a bitter-sweet feeling, for both Dadda and me. A conflict of sorts. It feels like something that was a part of our being, wants to grow its own wings and fly off, while we only try to hang on to the immense joy and bottomless love that we have felt in our lives each day you have been a part of it.
It’s a confusing time for us as parents. For so long as you are not adamant about what you want for yourself, we try to do what we think will make you a joyful and happy toddler. Don’t be under any impression sweetheart that you haven’t, over the last one year, learnt to throw a tantrum. In fact, it seems that you have mastered manipulation. As expected, you are a mama’s boy, and one day I want you to know that there was a point in time when you couldn’t refuse me anything, hurt me physically or emotionally. So when you had something that you, let’s say, wouldn’t want me to eat, you’d give me just a pinch of it, and tell me that I would find it bitter! Well for Dadda it was a flat-out “NO!”. Ask him about it. This is how manipulative you had become.
You’re still a beautiful singer. In fact one of your teachers, Ashu Teacher from Gulmohar Days, identified this about you and advised us to take note of your inclination to pitch every note correctly. She said “Gautam doesn’t sing casually. He tries to correctly pitch every note, very mindful about his beats. Please consider training him”. And we will. You first lesson in music starts tomorrow. If music is within you, we truly hope that we enable and encourage you, so that music may become your strength and solace.
On your last birthday, our little family was going through a difficult time. We lost Dadi in January this year. Dadda and I want you to know that she loved you a lot. During her last and most difficult days, you brought a smile on her face. You have not forgotten her at all. In fact, you can still recollect little things about her, especially the way she called you “Dikra”. There is so much of her in you, especially in the mannerism. of commanding Masoom. A short “Padha”, “Khila” was her style. Your is “Padhao”, “Khilao”. Despite you being a toddler, we leaned on you to heal. Thank you. Dadi’s love and blessings are always with you. And Nani Bhapu continue to spoil you. They come every month to meet you. You’re the apple of their eyes.
This year, you asked us for a birthday party. “Mera birthday kab hoga? Ye mera cake hai kya? Aaj mera birthday hai kya?” So, Dadda and I had a big birthday celebration for you this year, and your were so happy! I can still picture you jumping and running about with your friends. It was such a special and fun day for all of us. Oh and you were also running a fever on that day, but such a sport about it.
If I am indicating to you that it is you who has done all the learning and we the hand-holding, guiding and teaching, I’m wrong. Over the last year, Dadda and I have realized that we will have to grow with you. We want to do so many things right with you, and for you, so that we are better versions of ourselves. You remind us that we have to take a step back and enjoy little things- a caterpillar, going down together for play time, singing together with a pretend mic, reading, a swim, not being too much on our phone and so many other things. When we try to teach you the right things, we notice our own shortcomings. So this birthday, here’s my promise to you. Through all your childhood, and adolescence (we will see after that) we will respect you as a budding human. And while it is our job to be a parent and sometimes be firm, we will not be ignorant or dismissive of your little (or big) thoughts and feelings. We will always listen when you have something to say. We will always be there and you will have our attention. Always.
We love you.
Gazing through my Window... 